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 october 26, 1996
Notes from the Road i honestly don't think that my hours could be anymore screwed up. it's one thing when you're on the road and you have to keep kind of strange hours, but i usually can't normalize when i get home. i went to bed at about 10:30 am, and got up at about 3:00 pm. what in the world kind of sense does that make? we're leaving monday for two more weeks on the road, so at least i'll have an excuse then. i'm actually on my way out to buddy's (our wonderful and 'many-hat-wearing' guitar tech/equipment manager) family's house in alvin, texas. since we still have our bus in town, we just loaded up on it and are heading out there. his parents have a great big house/farm out there, complete with sheep, a goat, and a donkey. this is the real thing folks. i'd like to thank mr. & mrs. ottosen in advance for the vittles and hospitality. i've gotten some really encouraging email from folks regarding the last journal entry. apparently that subject is on the mind of my peers. in light of that response, i decided that it was time to write the inevitable journal entry. since i only intend on addressing this once, i will make it very exhausted. in other words, go get a snack, this one might take a while. i'm going to start off by giving you the story. this all took place about a year and a half ago. todd and i were driving around houston late on a saturday night looking for an open music store. we were running out of options, and hours, so we headed to a coffee shop where a friend of todd's worked. a band called 'the samples' were playing in town the next night, and todd had to drop off a ticket to his friend that worked there. let me say now that he had asked if i wanted to go, but the concert was on a sunday night, and i had a policy of not going out too late on nights before i had to work, so i definitely wasn't going. we got to the coffee shop, and sat down. he went to find his friend, and i worked on a cup of coffee. she came out from the back, and i remember thinking that she looked a lot like sinead o' connor. very short blonde hair, very distinct features. she was beautiful. she came over to our table and we met. as we talked for a bit i realized that we had a great deal in common. she left for a minute, and todd informed me that along with being one of the cooler girls that he knew, she was also an atheist. while incredibly intelligent, she was also incredibly mistrusting. todd, being one of the most consistent examples of Christ that i've had in my life, had befriended her, in order to care for her, accept her, love her, and try and show Christ to her. i was going through one of my 'dissatisfied phases' (which tend to hit me at the strangest times), so i was in a bit of a compromising mood. after we left i asked todd if there were any more extra tickets to 'the samples' show. i was determined to see her again. we got to the show the next night, and i spent the majority of the night hanging out around her. let me just stop here and add something. i'm a Christian. i play in a band full of Christians. all of my closest friends are Christians. at the time, i even worked at a church. i, of all people, should be aware of the dangers of being 'unequally yoked' to a non-Christian in a dating relationship. i think that it was just that, my keen awareness of those dangers, that dropped my guard. i found myself asking for her number (under the justification of what a great witnessing opportunity it could be). know that i don't believe in, nor do i condone 'missionary dating.' anyway, to try and regulate a really long story, i'll broaden the time frame a bit. over the next week and a half, we spent quite a bit of time together. i discovered that in order to maintain a relationship like this, one must compromise. she was a very intellectual girl, and like myself, very analytical. we talked for hours about nothing. i found that everything about myself that we got very deep into led to my relationship with God. it was at that point where we stopped relating to one another. eventually, i began anticipating it, and getting right up to that point, and straight off on a tangent in order to avoid it. i found myself completely taken with her, and completely ignoring any conviction that i had about what was happening. my friends prayed for my judgement, but generally left me alone. after all, if i wasn't listening to God, i sure wouldn't listen to my friends. please understand me; it wasn't the relationship that was wrong, it was where i was going with it that was flawed. God could've used that relationship for His glory, but i was being selfish and controlling. God was letting me learn a hard lesson. there finally came a point where i knew that i had to get out of it. i talked to my friends, and told them that i was just going to go to her and explain that it wasn't going to work. i spent about three hours with her trying to make her understand, but we ended up debating the issue, and i'll admit that her arguments were much stronger than mine. what i had to realize was that there was no way that i could make her understand. she didn't even believe in the God that had guided me to my decision. i think i loved her. i didn't want to leave her. i didn't want things to change. there was a real tension going on. i knew that thing had to change. that night of debating just made things worse. i knew that i had no control or reason when i was with her. the next morning when i got to work i called kirby (our manager, and one of my best friends that i've ever had) and told him what had happened, and that i couldn't do it. i told him that i was sorry, but i was his responsibility from here on, because i didn't trust myself anymore. she had been calling me at work, but kirby told be not to call her until he was there. he told me that he was coming over to sleep in my house, and stay with me until we resolved the situation. God completely provided for me through kirby. i didn't call her all day, and i had to work late that night. kirby came up there and said that it was time to call her and end it. i knew deep down that i couldn't do it in person, although i hated to have to do it over the phone. he stood with me as i called her. he reminded me that was impossible for her to understand, but that i just needed to tell her, and ask her to respect my decision. i called her and somehow said it. she didn't understand and began to argue with me about it, but kirby was signalling that i get off the phone, as there was nothing else to say. i'll never forget the last thing that she said. she said that she thought that i was making a huge mistake, and that i would realize it eventually, and that when i did, she would be still be there, waiting. why couldn't she have said that she hated me and didn't want to talk to me again? i needed closure. i needed a reason to not go back. regardless, it was over. that whole thing scarred me though. i so rarely find someone that i am so compatible with. relationships have always been few and far between with me. the amazing thing is how faithful God has been to bring Himself glory through my weakness. i wrote half of the song 'i just don't want coffee' while i was still in that relationship. it wasn't until the week after it was over that i was able to write the last verse. it strikes me as ironic that the song originally ended with "where's my head" repeated over and over again. it's the last verse that really brings the whole thing together for me. i write a lot of songs that caedmon's will never play. i just write to write. when i wrote the song 'i just don't want coffee,' i didn't intend on anyone hearing it. i wrote it for the same reason i write most of what i write: therapy. after it was completed, i showed it to cliff and he encouraged me to try it live. he said that my situation was more universal than i probably thought. we gave it a shot, and i was so surprised and overwhelmed at the response. before i knew it we were playing it every night, and it was kind of too late to change it. i know that much of it doesn't make sense. that's good and bad. if it doesn't make much sense then how can people understand and draw anything from it. on the other hand, the more abstract a song is, the more room that there is for interpretation and ownership. that's what i love about groups like toad the wet sprocket and indigo girls. but having said all of that, i was so excited when we decided to put it on our new cd that's coming out in february. the new record will be our first national release with warner alliance, so we tried to pull (hopefully) our best material, old and new. i saw this as a real opportunity to rewrite this song and make it more accessible. it took many weeks in atlanta during the recording, many hours that i should've been sleeping, and the guidance of our new friend at alliance, wayne watson to do it, but i think that it was worth it. to me the song is much more pointed now, and conveys the emotion better. i hope that most questions regarding this song will be answered through this journal entry and these rewritten lyrics. if there are questions still, please feel free to write or just pull me aside at a show. i know that this was terribly long, so thanks so much for sticking with me. continued thanks for your prayers, and for reading.
take care- i just don't want coffee
though i am small i've seen things far beyond these city walls
'cause something's changed today so sue me if i just don't want coffee tonight
back in this coffee house where we just met a week ago
and i can't run from you
so sue me if i just don't want coffee tonight
i still hear you telling me what a big mistake i've made
but that's the price i pay
so sue me if i just don't want coffee tonight
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